Nonsensical Theater!
by Ann Valentine
Summary: Dutchy, Bumlets, Skittery, Specs, and Snoddy demonstrate the power of insanity. (Chapter 5 up 10/2/02!)
1. 50 Things to do in Wal-Mart

Slash!: Hi everyone! *waves* Welcome to the Nonsensical Theatre, where my harem of newsies present excerpts from those lists that talk about things you COULD, theoretically, do in a public place, but no one except the extremely deranged would ever actually do. But first, the harem.  
  
*Bumlets, Specs, Dutchy, Snoddy, and Skittery wave.*  
  
Slash!: Talkative, aren't they? In any case, the premiere episode of Nonsensical Theatre showcases "50 Things to do in Wal-Mart." Enjoy, and give me lots of FB! ^_________________^  
  
*-*-*  
_5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners._   
  
"Juniper," Skittery read aloud, frowning at the lablel on the spray bottle. What in the world was 'juniper?' Were there no pictures of 'juniper?' Shrugging, he squirted a bit into the air and sniffed it. Nodding, he moved on to the next bottle. "Citrus Breeze." Being as there were no pictures of 'citrus breeze,' he decided to sample that too.  
  
*15 minutes later*  
  
"Oh my God, Skit!" Bumlets said, staring at his fellow newsie through tear-dampened eyes. He coughed a few times, then continued, "What the HELL did you do?"  
  
Skittery blinked, completely oblivious to the stench. "Tried out the air fresheners." He grinned. "Wanna try out the juniper?"  
  
*-*-*  
_7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters._   
  
"The time . . . of the hamster . . . is nigh," Dutchy typed slowly, making sure he typed every word correctly. Checking it over, he decided it was right and went to the next typewriter. "Beware . . . of . . . the SPLUT!"   
  
*-*-*  
_10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.   
_  
Specs cleared his throat and tapped an employee on the shoulder. The man turned and said in an I've-been-polite-to-people-all-day-and-I-can't-handle-it-anymore voice, "Yes?"  
  
"I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," Specs replied in his best boss voice. The man's eyes went wide, and he grabbed for his walkie-talkie.   
  
"Attention! Attention! We have a code 3 in housewares! Repeat!Attention! . . ."  
  
*-*-*  
_20. Put M&M's on layaway._   
  
The woman behind the layaway desk looked up as the handsome young man approached her, smiling shyly.  
  
"May I help you?" she asked kindly, hoping to put the young man at ease.  
  
Snoddy smiled at the nice woman and held out his purchase. "Um, hi. I was just, um, wondering if you could put these on layaway? Thanks!" He waved and then scampered out of the layaway area.  
  
The woman was left staring at a bag of peanut M&M's.  
  
*-*-*  
_22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath_.   
  
The employee paused at the sound of giggles emanating from the camping section. Frowning, he walked over to the giggling tent and pulled back the tent flap. He found himself face-to-face with five grinning young men.   
  
"Hi!" said the Italian one. "Wanna come in?"  
  
The employee blinked.  
  
"You can't," the blonde one said. "Not unless you bring us a pillow from Bed and Bath!"  
  
*-*-*  
_29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"_   
  
Skittery stood in the electronics section, blinking at the vast array of blinking lights and beeping machines. He felt someone tapping his shoulder and spun, finding himself face-to-face with an employee.   
  
"May I help you?" she asked.  
  
Fat tears began to well in Skittery's eyes, and he sniffled a bit overdramatically. "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" he cried, flinging his hands into the air and fleeing the area.  
  
*-*-*  
_31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)_   
  
"Excuse me, miss," Bumlets said, trying to catch the employee's attention. When he finally succeeded, he smiled his best lady-killing smile and said, " 'Scuse me, do you have any Juolpe in stock?"  
  
*-*-*  
_37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible._   
  
Dutchy peered around the corner, eyes darting from side to side. Humming softly, he ran across the aisle to hide in the safety of the Barbie aisle.  
  
*-*-*  
_48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."   
_  
"Employee to Housewares, employee to housewares," the voice echoed through the store. Specs fell to his knees and clutched his ears, doubling over and screaming.  
  
"Specs, Specs, what's wrong?" Snoddy asked, kneeling next to his friend and staring at him with some amount of terror.   
  
"NO! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" Specs clung to Snoddy, shaking uncontrollably. "Make it stop, make it stop . . ."  
  
*-*-*  
Slash!: Let's have a great big round of applause to the harem. *applauds* Thus ends the first episode of Nonsensical Theatre. Hope you enjoyed it!

****


	2. 21 Things to do in an Elevator

Slash!: Hey, everyone! Welcome to Episode Two of Nonsensical Theatre! Since y'all enjoyed Episode One so much, here's the harem back with more insanity! First, though, the shout outs.  
  
Specs: Thanks for the nice words, Bluehag! Although--no offense meant--we're glad you don't have a harem. It's difficult enough doing this with one author.  
  
Bumlets: Your wish is our command, SwedishGirl! Here's more insanity for your viewing enjoyment.  
  
Dutchy: We luffle you too, Stage! Now write more fics with Specs and me!  
  
Specs: O_O  
  
Snoddy: No, Pop, it's not bad that you run around humming the Mission Impossible theme. It shows you're an . . . individual. Yeah.  
  
Skittery: Hey, Princessred, do me a favor and make sure we're not around when you go to Wal-Mart to do the whole list. Some of the things are . . . heh . . . dangerous.   
  
Slash!: In any case, here's episode two, "21 things to do in an elevator." Enjoy and review!  
  
*-*-*  
  
The elevator doors opened and five young men got on, talking softly amongst themselves and examining their elevator-mates. One sniffled and wiped his nose while another smiled charmingly at everyone.   
  
*-*-*  
_1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"   
_  
Dutchy twitched. His face contorted. One shoulder jerked, then the other.  
  
"You okay, Dutch?" Snoddy asked.  
  
Dutchy curled in on himself and began thumping himself on the forehead. His voice, when it became audible, was pained and grating. "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"   
  
People began migrating over to the other side of the elevator.  
  
*-*-*  
_4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.  
_  
"Hi!" Bumlets chirped. He ripped off a name tag and handed it to the woman entering the elevator. "Welcome to the elevator! Wear your nametag and get to know us!" He beamed the sort of smile that one usually sees on the slightly unbalanced. The woman smiled nervously, took the tag, and moved away from him.   
  
"Boy, she's nervous," Snoddy commented. "It's like we're wearing ours upside down or something."   
  
*-*-*  
_9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"   
_  
Skittery shifted from foot to foot, then turned and stared at the man next to him. He was a business-type, all hoity-toity with a three-piece suit and shiny shoes and a briefcase that probably cost three times as much as Skittery's entire outfit. He happened to glance at Skittery and the boy immediately pasted a big grin on his face. When the man began exhibiting clear signs of anxietly, Skittery announced,  
  
"I've got new socks on!"   
  
More people edged away.  
  
*-*-*  
_10. Meow occasionally.   
_  
"Meow."  
  
All the occupants of the elevator began glancing around, trying to figure out who had meowed. The only person in the vicinity of the noise was the handsome brunette with glasses and he couldn't have possibly have done it. Shrugging it off, they went back to their own business.  
  
Specs chuckled to himself.  
  
"Meow."  
  
*-*-*  
_13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.   
_  
The girl was about Snoddy's age, with curly red hair in a ponytail, pretty eyes, and a cute figure. He checked her out, then gasped suddenly. She looked at him and arched an eyebrow, smiling coyly at him. Snoddy began scooting away from her, moving away.  
  
"You're one of THEM!" With that, he slipped behind Dutchy, effectively blocking her view of him, only popping up occasionally to glare at her over Dutchy's shoulder.  
  
*-*-*  
_14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers and 19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."   
_  
Dutchy knelt down and carefully drew a square around him. He shoved Bumlets and Skittery out of the way and settled himself in.  
  
"This is my personal space," he told everyone. "Come in here and you'll have to answer to Mr. Sockem!" He held up his left hand, which was firmly encased in a sock with button eyes. "Yeah!" he said in a muffled voice, apparently voicing the sock. "I'll soak you!"   
  
*-*-*   
_7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.   
_  
The man entered the elevator, feeling completely exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to sink into his own little cloud of misery and never talk to anyone ever again. So, naturally, he was more than a little taken back when a young man grabbed his hand and began pumping it enthusiastically.  
  
"Hi!" he said cheerfully. "Call me admiral!"   
  
Behind the boy, a group of four others snapped off salutes. "Yes, Admiral Bumlets!"  
  
The far corner of the elevator was getting rather crowded.   
  
*-*-*  
_11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.   
_  
Skittery began digging around in his pockets for something, garnering more than a few odd looks from his fellow newsies.  
  
"The elevator ain't the best place for pocket pool," Dutchy informed him rather loudly.  
  
"Keep it in the bathroom," Snoddy said.   
  
Skittery glared at the lot of them, finally retrieving whatever it was he had been looking for. "Aha!" He held up a shiny new quarter. "Bet you guys five to one I can get this up my nose."   
  
"Bum odds," Bumlets replied.  
  
"And I'm _not_ getting that thing out of your nose if you get it stuck," Specs added.   
  
Skittery snorted at the others and turned to the man next to him. "Bet you five to one--hey, where you going?"  
  
*-*-*  
_20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.   
_  
The man entered the elevator and hit the button for the fifth floor. He jumped when, suddenly, someone yelled "BOOM!"   
  
"Holy--" The man spun and glared at the boy standing behind him, who stared at him innocently and wiped his nose. The man turned back and hit the button again, just in case.  
  
"BOOM!"   
  
*-*-*  
_21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.  
_  
Specs slipped off his regular glasses and put another pair on. The lenses had white and black spirals on them, and along the side part of the glasses were the words "X-Ray Specs." Peering over the top of the glasses, Specs located the blurry masses that were the other newsies and then pushed the glasses onto the bridge of his nose.   
  
Next to him stood a cute young woman who was looking at him oddly. He lowered the glasses, winked at her, then leaned in and whispered, "Meeting someone?"  
  
The girl blushed as Specs straightened and put the glasses back on.  
  
"What are those, Specs?" Skittery asked, indicating the glasses.  
  
"They're x-ray," Specs replied. "You have no secrets from me!" He glanced at Dutchy, then his whole face went red and he quickly yanked the X-Ray Specs off and replaced them with his regular glasses. "Dutchy! Oh my God--!"  
  
Dutchy grinned.  
  
*-*-*  
Slash!: Thus ends episode two of Nonsensical Theatre. How about a round of applause for the harem and the reviewers, eh? *applauds* Hope you enjoyed it--review!  
  
~my harem belongs to Disney~  
~opportunity knocks! http://kiss.to/okp~  
~lumos et nox: http://lumosetnox.envy.nu~  



	3. 50 Things to Do in a Computer Lab

Slash!: Hi everyone! Welcome to episode three of Nonsensical Theatre! The harem returns again with even more insanity for your viewing pleasure. Before, that, though, the shout-outs.  
  
Specs: Glad you liked it, Vinyl! Dutchy had a little too much fun doing it. *gestures behind him where Dutchy is darting around the room suspiciously, humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.*  
  
Skittery: A FAN! ^______________________^ I love you too, princessred! Here's more of me!  
  
Dutchy: *stops humming and darting* *pouts* Well, SwedishGirl, you couldn't join me in my personal space because Mr. Sockem would soak you! Right, Mr. Sockem? *Mr. Sockem* That's right, Dutchy!  
  
Bumlets: Brilliant? Really? Wow. *sparkles* You're absolutely right, ScreamQueen--nowhere is safe as long as we're around. As for Dutchy and the puppet . . . um . . . *sees Dutchy and Mr. Sockem darting around and humming* I think we need to get him some Ritalin. Fast.  
  
Snoddy: Of course she's writing more, DreamSock! And here, for your enjoyment, is yet another installment!   
  
Specs: She couldn't resist the pun, Stage. As for the lists, they were found here and there, and now she has "lists," "lists jr," and "lists the third." O_o It's disturbing. And, um, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not be offered on top of things . . . *blush*  
  
Skittery: Thank you for the recommendation! The list has been acquired and will be used in the near future. Of course you may have a harem! You can buy one at Harems 'R' Us! Only $19.99 for the set! ^____________^   
  
Dutchy: Everything's more fun with newsies, Punch! And WHAT is everyone's OBSESSION with my personal space? It's MINE! *pauses, considers* Mine and Mr. Sockem's. No one else's!   
  
Bumlets: Okay, um, Sparkles, consider Specs' reaction to Dutchy with the X-Ray Specs then ask yourself if you really, really want that.   
  
Snoddy: Whatever you think Specs did--or didn't--see, Bluehag, you're probably right.  
  
*Dutchy grins.*   
  
Specs: What is people's obsession with offering me on top of things? Well, anyway, Alexis, here's more insanity.  
  
Dutchy: Don't worry, Specs, you'll always be the bottom with me.  
  
Specs: O_O   
  
Slash!: Riiight. Thanks, boys. Anyway, on with episode three of Nonsensical Theatre--50 things to do in a computer lab to confuse people! Enjoy and review!  
  
*-*-*  
Five boys entered a computer lab, laughing and joking. Although they seemed perfectly normal, something about the boys wasn't . . . right. Keeping one eye on the boys, the others in the computer lab returned to their work.   
  
*-*-*  
_1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.   
_  
Specs chose his computer and logged on. As the computer was processing his information, he tapped his fingers against the desk, whistling tunelessly to himself. Suddenly, he gasped and jerked back.  
  
"What's wrong?" Snoddy asked.  
  
"Oh my God! They've found me!" With a frightened shriek, Specs fled from the computer lab like a bat out of hell.  
  
*-*-*   
_2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.   
_  
The room had settled down somewhat after Specs' flight and things had almost returned to normal. A comfortable silence had descended.  
  
Dutchy threw back his head and laughed. It wasn't a typical I've-found-something-amusing-laugh or even a Yes-I've-got-problems-why-do-you-ask? laugh. Rather, it was a I'm-seriously-unbalanced-and-often-run-around-Wal-Mart-with-a-sock-puppet-on-my-hand-darting-around-suspiciously-and-humming-the-"Mission-Impossible"-theme-song-and-I-need-some-Ritalin-fast-laugh, which was an awful lot to say in one laugh but Dutchy was just that good.   
  
Suddenly, he stopped. He glared at everyone around him through narrowed aquamarine eyes, then hmphed and returned to his work.  
  
*-*-*  
_4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.   
_  
Bumlets hunched over his computer, fingers flying over the keyboard. He stopped and examined the screen, then turned and grinned at Skittery. The brunette stared back, then scooted his chair away.  
  
*-*-*  
_7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.   
  
_Snoddy clicked his mouse a few times, smiling at whatever was on his screen. Suddenly, he let out a distressingly girlish shriek.  
  
"What?" Bumlets asked, startled.  
  
"Oh my God! Christian Bale is so hot!" With that, he crawled under the computer desk and curled into the fetal position.  
  
*-*-*  
_10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.   
_  
"Oh, Apollo, honorary god of computers, please accept this sacrifice and bless this computer!" With that, Skittery plunged the knife into the Beanie Baby and began sprinkling it with spices.   
  
*-*-*  
_11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.   
_  
The door opened and Specs returned, a chainsaw resting on one shoulder. He took his seat next to Dutchy and set the chainsaw on the floor next to him.   
  
"Uh, gee, Specs," Dutchy said nervously, "whatcha got that for?"   
  
Specs smiled. "Oh, just in case."  
  
*-*-*  
_15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."   
  
_"Oh, dammit," Dutchy hissed. He raked a hand through his fine blonde hair then turned to Specs. "Hey, you got a spare disk?"  
  
"Sorry," Specs replied, obviously preoccupied. Dutchy heaved a sigh, then turned to Skittery.   
  
"You got a disk? I'll pay you."  
  
"Nope. Why?" Skittery asked.  
  
"No reason." Dutchy tipped his chair back and said, "Hey, Bumlets, gotta disk? I'll pay you!"   
  
"Yeah, here," the Italian newsie replied, digging a disk out of his pocket. Just as he removed it, Dutchy whipped a disk out of the zipper of his pants with a flourish.   
  
"Oops, I forgot." He beamed at Bumlets, then set his chair back on all four legs, stuck the disk in the drive, and returned to work.   
  
*-*-*  
_17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"   
_  
There was a beep.  
  
A disk glanced off of the back of Snoddy's head. He spun to see who had done it and saw Bumlets grinning at him, holding another disk. With a flick of his wrist, he sent it flying, and yelled two words.  
  
"DISK FIGHT!!!"   
  
*-*-*  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING: THIS NEXT SNIPPET CONTAINS **SLASH**. IT'S ALL IN THE NAME OF NONSENSE, BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, SKIP OVER #18 AND GO STRAIGHT TO #21.  
  
*-*-*  
_18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).   
_  
Snoddy was bored. He sighed, then looked around for some entertainment. His eyes landed on Specs. A grin curled across his face.  
  
"Hey, Specs . . ."  
  
"Hm?" Specs glanced over and suddenly found his arms full of Snoddy and a pair of firm lips pressed to his. The other newsboys watched in amusement, astonishment, and disgust as the make-out session began.   
  
"How long do you think they can go without air?" Bumlets asked. Dutchy hmphed and slouched in his seat, pointedly not looking over. Skittery hid his laughter behind his hand and turned back to his computer.  
  
Snoddy pulled away and glanced over at his computer. "Oh! My web site is done loading!" He smiled, patted Specs on the head, and then climbed off his lap and went back to his computer.  
  
*-*-*  
_21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.   
  
_Skittery went over to the printer and retrieved the document that had been printing, then taped it to his monitor. He winked at it.  
  
"Hey, Vinyl," he said seductively, licking his lips. "You know, not everything makes me skittery . . . some things make me want to stay. So, what do you say?" Suddenly, he jerked back, a hand flying to his cheek. "*Ow!* Okay, geez, I get the hint!" He turned to Bumlets and sneered. "Women are worthless!"   
  
*-*-*  
_29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.   
  
_Specs bent down and removed his shoes, setting them on top of the monitor. He frowned at it, then moved the right shoe slightly. He began peeling off his socks and carefully arranging them on the frame of the monitor. He leaned back, looked at it, and exclaimed,  
  
"What is this beauty?  
Cotton on plastic does glow  
I think I'm in love."  
  
The other newsies stared at him, and then Bumlets said,  
  
"What a fine haiku.  
It is a good example.  
You do it so well."  
  
Skittery rolled his eyes and remarked,  
  
"Your haikus suck bad,  
You're definitely not good,  
Leave it to the pros."  
  
Snoddy glared at Skittery and said,  
  
"Like you can talk!  
Your haiku was worse than theirs.  
Just shut up right now."  
  
Dutchy smiled blissfully and commented,  
  
"My Sockem is cool,  
He's really a great puppet,  
I wish he were real."  
  
*-*-*  
_31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.  
_  
Once the impromptu haiku session was over, the five boys continued working in basic silence. Suddenly, the computer lab once again rang with Dutchy's laughter.   
  
"YOU WILL ALL PERISH IN FLAMES!" he yelled. "SO SAYETH THE BOOK OF RAGE!"  
  
He smiled then went back to work.  
  
*-*-*  
_42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.   
_  
Bumlets leapt to his feet and pointed at the screen.   
  
"Ooga-chaka-ooga-chaka! Llat dna hguot rennab eht gniyrrac! Efil a ti tnia! Yad ecin a evah citnalta-lleb gnisu rof uoy knaht!" He darted forward, hit 'Enter,' then dove under the desk, screaming, "COVER!" He popped his head back out after a few seconds and said, "Oh, good. It worked this time."   
  
*-*-*  
_44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.   
_  
"Hmm . . . " Snoddy spotted an interesting screen name. "NillaWuchachacha, eh?" He right-clicked on the interesting screen name and chose "Send Message." When the window popped up, he typed in a message and hit 'Enter.'  
  
**Bleeding_Heart:** OMG! Wu-chan! Hi! It's been way too long! How are you? How are the kids? Still "carryin' the banner?" *grin* Man, I miss you!   
**NillaWuchachacha:** Who the hell are you?  
  
Snoddy grinned and exited the program.  
  
*-*-*  
_47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.   
_  
Skittery's normally blank face suddenly broke into a brilliant smile. He typed something, then laughed brightly. "You're such a marvel!" he exclaimed, then kissed the monitor. He typed a little more, repeating the exclamation and kiss whenever he paused. Finally, he hugged the keyboard, hugged Bumlets, then got up and waltzed from the room.  
  
*-*-*  
Slash!: Thus ends episode three! Two cookies to _anyone_ who gets the Book of Rage reference, and two cookies and a half-naked newsie to the first person who can tell me what Bumlets' chant is! (Another half-naked newsie if you put it in haiku.) Anyway, hope you enjoyed, and review!   
  
~my harem belongs to Disney~  
~opportunity knocks! http://kiss.to/okp~  
~lumos et nox: http://lumosetnox.envy.nu~


	4. 50 Things to Do on an Exam You Don't Car...

Slash!: Hey, everyone! Welcome to episode four of "Nonsensical Theatre!" But first, the shout-outs! (Oh, and I _know _I said a half-naked newsie to the first person who responded, but I changed my mind. So EVERYONE who tried their hand at translating gets two cookies and a half-naked newsie!) 

Skittery: Yeah, Vinyl, I _did _try. *rubs cheek ruefully* Now I know never to try THAT line again. And if you set up the shrine, let us know where it is so we can vandal—er, enjoy the site.

Specs: No, Stage, you're not. But WHY am I being offered on top of things? *blushes* It'd be awkward . . . and thanks for the lists! They'll be featured soon!

Dutchy: Go ahead, Singah, take him! *shoves Specs* Just give him back when you're done!

Bumlets: Punch, excellent translation, it's all correct. Here are your cookies and . . . *looks around* Jack! Go! *half-naked Jack scampers by* Your newsie is coming.

Snoddy: Perfect-o, Alexis! Your cookies and half-naked newsie are on their way. *David scampers by*

Specs: He's not a _little_ mentally ill, Swed, he's very mentally ill. And go ahead, try #18 with him. Have fun. *shoves Dutchy*

Skittery: *transfixed* oooh . . . shiny object . . . *staggers forward, reaching for shiny object* I . . . will . . . marry . . . Robin . . .

*Bumlets rolls his eyes and grabs Skittery's collar, dragging him back.*

Dutchy: Hi Skitch! I'm Dutchy! I'll gladly try #18 with you! ^___^ So many women want me!

Bumlets: HAIKU WARS! Heh, that could be fun . . . and your half-naked newsie is on his way! *Blink scampers by* And everyone needs to go tell Bluehag what a spiffy job she did with sending the lists. They were mucho helpful.

Snoddy: Boy, Specs, everyone wants to make out with you. *Specs blushes* Anyway, thanks, Liv—here's more!

Skittery: Thanks much, ScreamQueen! Go ahead, ramble all you want. And here's some more!

Specs: Okay, that's a half-naked newsie for Spark . . . *Mush scampers by* Enjoy!

Dutchy: Oooh! That sounds like fun, silversapphire! We'll have to try that next time!

Specs: Dutchy . . . we've been banned from all the Wal-Marts in the country.

Dutchy: There's always Canada! ^______^  
Specs: O_o 

Bumlets: Moving along. Thank you, Sparkles—that's a half-naked newsie for you! *Race scampers by* Number four is fun! I enjoyed it.

Snoddy: Your haiku is good

I enjoyed it, Miss DreamSock

Here is the fourth show.

Skittery: Sab, the bathroom list has been acquired and might be used in an upcoming episode. Thanks for your comments!

Specs: I know I am. *glitters* Thanks, Moon—here's more!

Dutchy: Okay, Lucky Charm, put the bat down. You don't have to threaten us to get more (although money works nicely . . .). CTB!

Bumlets: Very nice work there, C_Chan! That's a half-naked newsie for you . . . and Spot just happens to be free! *Spot scampers by* Enjoy!

Snoddy: Congratulations, Mage! You are the _only_ person who got the Book of Rage reference! Yay! I think you deserve a half-naked newsie for your knowledge. *Swifty scampers by* There you go—enjoy! 

Slash!: Right. Thanks, boys. Anyway, here's episode four—"50 Things to do in an Exam You Don't Care About!" Enjoy!

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2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 

Denton handed each of the boys a copy of the exam. Bumlets began flipping through his copy and Dutchy carefully wrote his name on his. 

Specs grabbed his, jumped up, and blasted out of the room, screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

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4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 

One fold along the length of the paper. Two corners, folded into the center. Folded back in half, then two strips folded down. Finally, two careful notches torn in the back to complete it.

Skittery took aim and fired.

"Ow, my nose!" 

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5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 

"Let me see here . . ." Dutchy flipped open the exam and picked up his pencil. "Question number one. When was the Battle of Hastings? Is it A: 1986? No . . . I'd remember it then. B: 1234? Don't think so . . . might be though. Mark that. Maybe C: 1066? Definite possibility; mark that one too. D: 896? No . . . I'm pretty sure there was a one in the date. Or maybe it's E: A jar of almonds? AH! Yes! That must be it!"

"Mr. Durecht," Denton said, "can it."

Dutchy looked up. "Oh, yeah, I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." He rolled his eyes, shook his head, and went back to work. "Geez, what a jerk. I try to think and he just jumps down my throat . . ."

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6. Bring cheerleaders.

Snoddy walked in and took his seat. A few minutes later, Pie Eater, Swifty, Snitch, Race, Mush, and Blink all trailed in, wearing cheerleader outfits with an 'S' on the chest.

Denton choked.

Snoddy turned over the exam and began to work. 

"Ready, everyone?" Blink called. 

"O-kay!" the six chorused, holding up a pom-pom. "Strawberry shortcake, banana split, we think Pulitzer is full of—shift to the left, shift to the right, come on, Snoddy, write, write write! Whoo!" With that, the six cheerleaders bowed and left.

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7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy? " 

Bumlets frowned. He didn't get a single thing on this exam. What was up with that? He'd been paying attention and had the boatload of notes to prove it. He raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Ramirez?" Denton said.

"I don't understand ANY of this," Bumlets replied loudly, gesturing to the exam. "I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And," he continued, standing and pointing at Denton, "who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

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10. Bring pets.

Skittery entered the room, holding a leash. He turned, whistled, and gently tugged on the leash. Dutchy trotted in, smiling placidly. Around his neck was the chain on the leash.

Specs began banging his head on his desk. Bumlets pretended he wasn't there. Snoddy covered his eyes with a hand and shook his head.

"What?" Skittery asked crossly as he removed the chain. "It *said* bring pets."

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11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 

The door flew open and Specs dashed in. He looked around frantically, then exhaled heavily. 

"Thank God," he said under his breath. He ran to Denton's desk, leaned on it, and said, "Mr. Denton, I can't take the exam today. They've found me. I have to leave the country." He looked over Denton's shoulder and a look of pure horror crossed his face. "OH NO!" With that, he ran from the room.

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12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 

Snoddy picked up his exam and began methodically tearing it into strips of equal length. Once it was fully shredded, he continued the process until his hands were full of tiny, equal-sized pieces of confetti. With a whoop, he tossed them into the air, yelling, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" As the confetti settled around him, he raised his hand.

"Mr. Denton, I need another copy of the exam. I lost mine." 

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14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 

Bumlets wandered into the exam room, rubbing his face and yawning widely. He scratched his forehead absently, pushing the towel on his head back slightly. 

Everyone in the room blinked. Bumlets wore a blue silk robe with Superman's 'S' emblazoned on the back, blue fuzzy slippers, and a towel wrapped around his head. Slowly, he walked over to Blaze, whose eyes were glued to him. With deliberate movements, he untied the belt and opened his robe. After about five seconds, he closed the robe, retied the belt, and wandered from the room. 

Blaze fell out of her seat, unconscious with a nosebleed.

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17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 

Dutchy reached into his bookbag and pulled out a Ping-Pong ball. He tossed it up and down a few times, testing it, then waited until Denton had turned away and slung it at him. It bounced off the side of the instructor's head.

"Okay, who did that?" Denton demanded, picking up the Ping-Pong ball. Dutchy looked around with a 'How dare he!' expression on his face, then pointed to Specs.

"What?" the brunette said. "I did no such—"

"Cut it out, Mr. Edwards. This is an exam, not playtime." Specs glared at Dutchy and made a rude gesture. Dutchy merely grinned and returned to work.

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18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Denton handed Specs the exam, then turned to Skittery. He heard chewing and turned back. To his horror, he saw Specs shoving the last of the exam into his mouth.

"Pretty good," he commented around his mouthful of exam. "Could have used some Tabasco."

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_24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. _

Skittery sighed. This _sucked_. He had no idea what was going on. On the paper, an editorial cartoon mocked him, daring him to try and analyze it. 

He slammed his pencil down. "FORGET THIS!" He nodded and got up, exiting with his head held high.

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25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 

Denton walked towards his classroom and stared. In the hall, his students had signs and were marching in circles in front of his door.

"Stop the test! No more grades! Stop the test! No more grades!"

"What's going on?" he asked.

Dutchy looked at him, and Denton noticed that his sign read 'Strik.' "We're on strike," he announced. "We're gonna take the exam, but after one hour, we're going to go drink."

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27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 

Bumlets clapped twice, then smiled and wrote something down on the test paper. About ten minutes later, he did the same thing. Again . . . again . . . again . . . 

Finally, Denton couldn't restrain his curiosity any longer. "Er, Mr. Ramirez, what exactly are you doing?"

Bumlets clapped again, then looked up and shot Denton an 'Are you an idiot?' look. "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" He scoffed, clapped, then returned to the test.

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28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 

Snoddy looked up from his exam, looked Denton up and down, and whistled softly. "You're hot," he commented, grinning.

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32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

Skittery yelped when a blast of cold water hit him in the side of the head. He whipped around, glaring at the person next to him, but Specs was quietly working on his exam. Bumlets was hit next, a stream of freezing water getting him in the back of the head. Each of the boys were targeted, except the one sitting innocently in the middle.

Specs chuckled softly and stowed the water pistol in his bookbag.

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37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 

Skittery came in, Pie Eater following. 

"Sit behind me, Pie," he said, gesturing to the seat behind him. "That'll be the best place."

"Excuse me, Mr. Hasczak, what do you think you're doing?" Denton asked.

"I need him to give me a back massage," Skittery replied, taking his seat. Pie plopped down behind him and began rubbing the other boy's shoulders. "He _has_ to be here. I have bad circulation. Ooh, lower."

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39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip

"God, it's so hot!" Dutchy complained, looking up and wiping the sweat from his forehead. There was a general consensus from the others, and so the blonde stood and made short work of his shirt. "Ah, much better." As if on cue, the other four boys turned away, blushing and pinching their noses shut.

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44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

  
Skittery aimed and flung the Frisbee. Dutchy caught it adeptly and threw it back. Bumlets lunged up and grabbed it halfway there.

"Interception by Ramirez! Ramirez passes to Edwards!" He tossed the Frisbee to Specs, who nearly fell out of his chair in his attempt to catch it. 

"Edwards completes the catch, and passes to Kreiger!" The Frisbee sailed to Snoddy, who caught it on one finger.

"Kreiger completes the toss, and—"

"Gives the Frisbee to the teacher," Denton said, holding out a hand for it.

"—gives the Frisbee to the teacher," Snoddy repeated meekly, handing it over.

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45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

Carefully, Bumlets set the idol on his desk, checking to make sure it wasn't in any danger of falling off. He bowed his head.

"Oh, holy Tieseehc, help me with this exam, and accept this sacrifice." With that, he pulled a knife from his belt and plunged it into a white sock with button eyes.

"Mr. Sockem!" Dutchy shrieked. "NOOOO!" 

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Slash!: Thus ends episode four of "Nonsensical Theatre!" Hope you enjoyed, and review! 


	5. 10 Ways to Make Sport of Telemarketers

Slash!: Hello, and welcome to the fifth episode of Nonsensical Theatre! But first, THE MASSIVE- 

*Specs hurries on from off-stage and whispers something to Slash!. She stares at him, confused. He nods and gestures for her to continue, then hurries offstage.* 

Slash!: Never mind. I have just been informed that since there are twenty-three reviews-THANKS YOU GUYS!-that the normally published shout outs will not be done, due to time constraints and the fact that I still have two more essays to write. However, each reviewer will be mentioned by name, with a word of thanks. 

**Blaze** ~ Grazie! 

**Ferret** ~ Merci! 

**Neffie** ~ Danke! 

**Chel** ~ Obrigado! 

**Punch **~ ¡Gracias! 

**DS-Mandi **~ Grazie! 

**Mage O'Dell** ~ Merci! 

**Bluehag** ~ Danke! 

**Stage **~ Obrigado! 

**Vinyl** ~ ¡Gracias! 

**Princessred** ~ Grazie! 

**Stress** ~ Merci! 

**Manda** ~ Danke! Ich liebe dich! 

**Blue W Trick** ~ Obrigado! 

**Liv** ~ ¡Gracias! 

**Stripey Purple Socks** ~ Grazie! 

**silversapphire** ~ Merci! 

**Pups Goils** ~ Danke! 

**Spark** ~ Obrigado! 

**Lily** ~ ¡Gracias! 

**Talhya** ~ Grazie! 

**Sphinx** ~ Merci! 

**Angelic Dragon** ~ Danke! 

Slash!: Thus ends the massive _thank you_ list. And now onto episode five, "Ten Ways to Make Sport of Telemarketers!" Enjoy! 

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_1. When they ask: "How are you today?" Tell them: "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."_

The phone rang. Specs set down his magazine, reached over, and picked up. 

"Hello?" 

"Hello. May I please speak to Sam Edwards?" 

Specs sighed. "That's me." 

"How are you today, Mr. Edwards?" 

"Oh my God, I'm so glad you asked. No one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died, not to mention my best friend is totally hitting on me..." 

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_2. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary._

"Hi, this is Jimmy Doe from the Suddenly Swing Company, and I . . ." 

"What was your name again?" Snoddy asked. 

"Jimmy Doe. But, Mr. Krieger, we were wondering if you . . ." 

"Can you spell the company name for me?" 

"Uh, sure. S-U-D-D-E-N-L-Y S-W-I-N-G. We have an amazing . . ." 

"I don't think I've heard of that. Where is it located?" 

There was a long pause, during which Snoddy whistled softly to himself and checked the time. 

"We're in St. Paul, sir. But we have an incredible offer . . ." 

"Tell me, Jimmy, are you single?" 

There was an even longer pause. Just as Snoddy was about to repeat his question, Jimmy said stiffly, 

"Have a nice day, Mr. Krieger." 

***click***

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_3. Cry out in surprise: "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. _

"Is this Michael Hasczak?" 

Skittery flopped down onto a chair and rolled his eyes. It had to be a telemarketer. His last name was HAS-chak, for God's sake, not "Has-k-ZAK." 

"Yes it is, and who are you?" 

"My name is Judy, and I'm with . . ." 

"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Skittery cried in delight. 

There were a few seconds of silence, during which time Skittery hung up. 

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_4. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"_

"Helloooo, Durecht residence!" Dutchy said cheerfully into the phone. 

"Hi, I'm with MCI, and we were wondering if you were interested in our brand-new Family and Friends plan . . ." 

"Actually," Dutchy said in a small and lost voice, "I don't have any friends." His voice dropped a few octaves. "Would you be my friend?" 

***click***

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_5. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. _

"Hello?" 

"May I please speak to Benedict Ramirez?" 

"This is he," Bumlets said. 

"Hello. I'm with Your Friendly Neighborhood Bank, and we know that students like you can always use a little extra cash. So . . ." 

"You wanna loan me money?" Bumlets exclaimed. 

"Yes, sir, we would, and-" 

"That's great! I just filed for bankruptcy and I could sure use some money!" 

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_6. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips._

". . . and it can be yours for only $19.95. Would you be interested?" 

"Actually," Specs replied, "can I tell you something I'd be more interested in?" 

"Certainly," the telemarketer replied nervously. 

"I'm kind of on home incarceration right now, and I was wondering if you could bring me some beer-I'm not picky about what kind-and a bag of chips? That'd be great." 

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_7. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger._

" . . . and it'll get your carpets clean in a flash for only three low payments of $29.99. What do you say, Mr. Krieger?" The friendly male voice stopped, waiting expectantly. 

Snoddy paused. He considered. 

"Will you marry me?" he asked. 

"Wh-what?" the telemarketer spluttered. "M-marry you? W-well, I-I just-" 

"Is that a no?" Snoddy asked, disappointed. "I mean, I really can't give my credit card number to a complete stranger . . ." 

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_8. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say goodbye and hang up. _

The phone rang. Skittery turned off the vacuum, shot the phone a death glare, then took a deep soothing breath. Then he grabbed the phone. 

"Hello?" 

"Hi, Mr. Has-k-zak. This is Irving with GE . . ." 

"Listen Irving, I'm really busy right now. Can I have your home phone number so I can call you back later?" 

"Well, Mr. Has-k-zak, that's against company policy . . ." 

"Don't want people bothering you at home, huh, Irving?" 

"Yes sir." 

"Now you know how I feel. Good-bye, Irving." 

***click***

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_9. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"_

"Durecht residence!" 

"Hello, this is David with Pioneer Entertainment, and I'd like a moment of your time . . ." 

Dutchy laughed. "Okay, Specs, knock it off. I know it's you." 

"No, sir, I'm with Pioneer . . ." 

"Yeah, right, Specs. C'mon, I'm not that dense. Cut it out, man!" 

"Sir. . ." 

"Seriously, Specs, what's the haps?" 

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_10. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down._

"Hi, this is Caroline with Analysts, Inc. and I . . ." 

"I'm sorry, dear, say that again," Bumlets said, pulling out a notepad and pen. "And speak very, very slowly, because I want to write down every word." 

***click***

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Slash!: And thus ends the long-awaited (hah!) fifth chapter of Nonsensical Theater. Don't forget to review! 


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